Why I failed as a man

So this is a very common question I've been getting and I feel it is an important question to ask. It shows how solid my foundation is for wanting to transition fully to a female and gives some insight into my thinking as well. Before going into this, I want to stress that myself failing to be a man to me is a lot like someone failing to become a pro-athlete. Its not that I'm self-hating or anything, its just a reality that I tried to do, and has become more and more obvious that I failed at.

I think the first thing in this regard to note about myself is that for my own life, I'm a strong believer in there is male and there is female and no inbetween. Yes, I'll be in that inbetween for probably around 2 years while doing the full transitioning, but that is me moving to one of those two options that I'm better suited for. This is not me bashing lgbt, I respect everyone living the life they want to live, this is just my perspective. I say this first, because it adds some context tot he common why not stay inbetween argument.

I've always felt that I should of been born a girl. Even my earliest memories was relating more with the princesses in Disney Movies and being the more supportive roles in childhood games and such. I thought it would be easier to go through life pretending to be a guy then going through with the full transition to female and thus I put a strong effort towards it. I've done relationships, went through school, landed stable careers and all of that. But every single week if not every single day, so many little things remind me that I'm better suited as a girl. In addition to that, I find every year it gets harder and harder for me to pretend to be a guy, it becomes more stressful, and honestly i'm failing more at even pretending. Most people around me who never ask about my lifestyle already has an inclination of that about me.

Even when doing things I'm supposed to do, though on the outside it looks like i'm doing well, I'm failing at. I've tried having relationship with girls form shor tto long term. They always failed, largely because I wasn't much of a man. Though I find girls attractive, I've never had that urge to do anything about it, almost like I didn't know on a feelings level what to do about it. Every single girl I've been with questioned my hormone imbalance for example. I've basically realized that I should of been the girl in the relationships. When I was going through college, I always studied waaaaay longer then everyone else. I've given up on trying to figure things out during the lesson because I knew I'd just have to spend multiple hours just to catch up afterwards. I decided to become a teacher, an already feminine job, because of the job security and I knew I couldn't handle the stress of private sector.

This brings me to personality traits. I'm naturally passive, I try to avoid conflict, I hate it when people are not happy with me, I stress out easily, I'm way more emotional (though I hide it) then I should be. I really have no urge to ever be angry or aggressive and I'm generally a light hearted happy person. I'm more of the homebody type, I scare easily which is one of the main reasons I don't like scary movies and rollercoasters and flying, lol. Speaking of horror movies, I empathize way too much, i always find myself feeling bad and scared for the characters even though I know their not real! As I mentioned, i try to hide a lot of this, but it does seep through a little bit.

Then there is the weekly things that remind me of myself being a failure as a man. If I'm buying a car or trading magic cards or doing anything that requires a little haggling, I such at it, I'm scared of getting screwed over and when I think I'm doing good I worry that I'm taking advantage of the other person or if they might not like me afterwards. When I see a man take charge, I find that attractive. Speaking of which, most male qualities I find attractive, the alpha nature, the aggression, the protectiveness or possessiveness and so on. When I see girls, most of hte time, I notice their fashions and stuff like that. I notice that people don't naturally respect me or easily ignore me. When playing video games, i probably spend more time working on cosmetics of my character then I should. Speaking of which, I'm always drawn to playing the healer jobs. I like being hte supportive role and letting others take glory. Makes me proud of them. I'm usually very quick to apologize. This is just quick blurb as this thought came to me the other day and wanted to put it in writing. I still need to work on using less words and being more brevity in my talking/writing, OH! theres like another quality, lol.