I'm weak willed!
This has been something I've been thinking about the past few weeks. It is something about myself that I've always known, but it was something that I've always kind of pushed to the back of my mind. And that is that I'm actually kind of weak mentally. Or at least in mental discipline. Like i'm very opinionated and though open minded on my opinions and hearing different perspectives, I dont change those opinions easily. So that is not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is my ability to stand up for myself, not cave in to others, and discipline to stick with what I should do if things break from my routine.
I guess I'll start with the routine thing. I've moved around the country a lot. Usually just going where opportunity takes me. The most recent one with the deliberate reason to restart my life from scratch socially, work, family, location everything. Every single time I move, it obviously disrupts my schedule and then it is always so hard for me to restart all my good habits, lol. Which was always kind of funny to me because usually I can mimic then in the new location, but the very fact of going a few weeks with them discrupted and then schedule changes always makes things take longer then they should. This is one of the many reasons I've realized that I am more successful in a structured environment, something I think men like to give.
Then there comes to my inability to stand up for myself or not cave in to others. I really dislike conflict. In fact even small ones where I put up next to no fight, i feel sooooo guilty for like a week afterwards! Even when I am like 100% correct, nothing bad would happen to me for standing up for myself, I'm being completely fair to every outside observer I still look for ways to cave in and avoid the conflict rather then stand up for myself. I'm the type of person where someone could cut in line right in front of me and I wouldn't say anything. Or a company, with a paper trail to prove their wrong, could swindle me out of money and rather then right them, I'll just not go there any more and count that money as lost. That kind of stuff. Till now I've always thought it was just being wise on where I pick my battles, but now I realize that its my emotions that are driving me there and kind of illuminating to me how mentally weak I am, hehe. This probably has some overlap with a previous writing I did on how I avoid conflict, but I think this is written in a different way. This is yet another example of things that have provent o me over the past few years what a failure of a man I am though.
I guess I'll start with the routine thing. I've moved around the country a lot. Usually just going where opportunity takes me. The most recent one with the deliberate reason to restart my life from scratch socially, work, family, location everything. Every single time I move, it obviously disrupts my schedule and then it is always so hard for me to restart all my good habits, lol. Which was always kind of funny to me because usually I can mimic then in the new location, but the very fact of going a few weeks with them discrupted and then schedule changes always makes things take longer then they should. This is one of the many reasons I've realized that I am more successful in a structured environment, something I think men like to give.
Then there comes to my inability to stand up for myself or not cave in to others. I really dislike conflict. In fact even small ones where I put up next to no fight, i feel sooooo guilty for like a week afterwards! Even when I am like 100% correct, nothing bad would happen to me for standing up for myself, I'm being completely fair to every outside observer I still look for ways to cave in and avoid the conflict rather then stand up for myself. I'm the type of person where someone could cut in line right in front of me and I wouldn't say anything. Or a company, with a paper trail to prove their wrong, could swindle me out of money and rather then right them, I'll just not go there any more and count that money as lost. That kind of stuff. Till now I've always thought it was just being wise on where I pick my battles, but now I realize that its my emotions that are driving me there and kind of illuminating to me how mentally weak I am, hehe. This probably has some overlap with a previous writing I did on how I avoid conflict, but I think this is written in a different way. This is yet another example of things that have provent o me over the past few years what a failure of a man I am though.
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