I know why I like math!
So this has always been what I think is the biggest contradiction about my personality. I've hinted at this before but it has always been kind of a grey area that I gloss over. And honestly, I'm still working to figure it out, and probably still a year or two from understanding this facet about myself.
There are several reasons I know that I'm better off as a girl, and should of went girl way earlier. An obvious one is that I have so many natural tendacies that i've been hiding for my whole life. Things like being a little silly, or excitable, easily scared, avoiding conflict and the like. Another is that I'm a failure of pretty much anything expected as a guy. For example, every single relationship I tried with a girl before, i've always been asked to get my testorone levels checked. Kind of funny considering that my testostorone levels are now next to zero, lol. And multiple other reasons.
When I look back at my life, the later into it I get, and thus the closer to where I am now, the more feminine things I've been doing without even being aware of it. I'm in a female dominated career for example. In video games I usually play coop games and in the support/healer roles and two good examples. So when I look at myself as a whole and I see so many things naturally feminine, the things that don't match it kind of stick out. There are actually three specific that jump out at me as the ONLY things that could be considered stereotypically male. Those being that I like video games, i'm considered very intelligent and I like math/science including on my free time.
So those things have kind of bothered me. Now, don't get me wrong, most girls don't go 100% in the female category and chances are I won't either. Its just the way humans are. The gaming one doesn't bother me much because I know that girls are close to 50% of the gamer population now anyways, so other then being a stereotypically male thing, its not as much in reality anymore. So that leaves the I'm considered intelligent and my liking of math/science.
The intelligence thing I'm still working on and will probably have many more future blog entries on. I know there are very many intellgient women int he history of the world, but generally speaking, men stereotypically are more intelligent. The whole men go into STEM careers or take leadership roles type of thing and women being valued for domestic/attraction/sexual qualities and stuff. In some ways I can write that off still as there are many intelligent women, but generally speaking it would be 4th, 5th or farther down on the list of things other people even care about when assessing someone's value. That among other reasons is one of the reasons I dont put to much thought into it. Also I heard a great point once that men intelligence is actual critical thinking skills/logic/creativity whereas women is more memorization and rehashing what they are taught. Not sure how true that is, but it was an interesting thing I'll look more into.
Anyways, this is a long way to get to the subject matter of this blog entree which is I made a major step onto knowing why I like math and how in that context it kind of does mesh well with my other feminine qualities. This may sound a little like rationalizing, and it might be, but I think the logic underpinnings have merit. So the first thing I should mentioned is when learning math in college and in school, I always understood the material and usually at a good level. But I learned it way slower then everyone else. I mean waaaaay slower. As whenever I had new classmates, they would think I was the dead weight in the class till around the 2nd to last test when I finally start to catch up. So right there that is something I always knew was true about me in that I'm not that smart. I'm intelligent on figuring things out, but my uptake of new information is painfully slow. For example, if I had to just copy down an equation from a book onto a white board, I'd have to look at the book again like every other character because I already forgot it. So really slow.
So even that, i did eventually learn it, even if slower then men do. And that right there may account for what I said earlier, except for the fact that I like math and by extention science. In fact, its one of the things/hobbies I like to do with my free time and one of the few things I don't desire to change about myself even though I'm very open to becoming the mindless/simple minded type of girl. And this is where I start touching on it. I really suck at making decisions. I do not trust my opinion on almost anything. Even when I know i'm right, if i'm debating someone, i'm almost convinced at any moment they will say something that proves me wrong. If i'm trying to judge something, I probably cant figur eit out. For example, if I wasn't recording data on my feminization process as much as I was, I wouldn't think anything is happening because I'm such a bad judge of things.
You might see where I'm going with this. When I'm driving, if not for the speedometer, i'd have no idea how fast I was going. If someone asks me h ow something tastes, I suddenly have a hard time figuring it out. So hear I am, someone who likes math/science and learning stuff, but I seem to know nothing about even things that happen around me, even though most people who know me will think I'm incredibly aware. There is one reason for all of that. I look at math/science to tell me the answer. When i take my measurements every week, and see the numbers getting smaller, i know i'm reaching my feminization goals even though I didn't think I was. Its the same with everything. The reason I always so quickly go to maths and numbers is because I have zero faith in my own ability to figure something out. Since I really have no one in my life, or I guess in this case no man in my life, it kind of makes sense that I resorted to math to tell me when I'm right or wrong.
So I like knowledge and stuff like that, but I even have a hard time figuring out if what I'm being told is correct or not. Math/science and stuff like that has given me methods to check validity of things. Right now I'm having reasonably okay success on a pet project of mine. Every single day I feel like i'm failing at it, I see examples of it failing, but when I look at the numbers I've collected with it, it always shows success.
So this is how I finally have a good idea of why I like math/science even though those are not typically feminine traits which I think I naturally go towards. It ended up being a clutch that at some point I started using in my past to tell me what to think. And being told what to think is a more female trait.
So this posting was actually kind of a recent discovery and very well not thought out before typing it. I'll probably write a much more refined version many months from now after this particular "theory" hammers itself out more!
There are several reasons I know that I'm better off as a girl, and should of went girl way earlier. An obvious one is that I have so many natural tendacies that i've been hiding for my whole life. Things like being a little silly, or excitable, easily scared, avoiding conflict and the like. Another is that I'm a failure of pretty much anything expected as a guy. For example, every single relationship I tried with a girl before, i've always been asked to get my testorone levels checked. Kind of funny considering that my testostorone levels are now next to zero, lol. And multiple other reasons.
When I look back at my life, the later into it I get, and thus the closer to where I am now, the more feminine things I've been doing without even being aware of it. I'm in a female dominated career for example. In video games I usually play coop games and in the support/healer roles and two good examples. So when I look at myself as a whole and I see so many things naturally feminine, the things that don't match it kind of stick out. There are actually three specific that jump out at me as the ONLY things that could be considered stereotypically male. Those being that I like video games, i'm considered very intelligent and I like math/science including on my free time.
So those things have kind of bothered me. Now, don't get me wrong, most girls don't go 100% in the female category and chances are I won't either. Its just the way humans are. The gaming one doesn't bother me much because I know that girls are close to 50% of the gamer population now anyways, so other then being a stereotypically male thing, its not as much in reality anymore. So that leaves the I'm considered intelligent and my liking of math/science.
The intelligence thing I'm still working on and will probably have many more future blog entries on. I know there are very many intellgient women int he history of the world, but generally speaking, men stereotypically are more intelligent. The whole men go into STEM careers or take leadership roles type of thing and women being valued for domestic/attraction/sexual qualities and stuff. In some ways I can write that off still as there are many intelligent women, but generally speaking it would be 4th, 5th or farther down on the list of things other people even care about when assessing someone's value. That among other reasons is one of the reasons I dont put to much thought into it. Also I heard a great point once that men intelligence is actual critical thinking skills/logic/creativity whereas women is more memorization and rehashing what they are taught. Not sure how true that is, but it was an interesting thing I'll look more into.
Anyways, this is a long way to get to the subject matter of this blog entree which is I made a major step onto knowing why I like math and how in that context it kind of does mesh well with my other feminine qualities. This may sound a little like rationalizing, and it might be, but I think the logic underpinnings have merit. So the first thing I should mentioned is when learning math in college and in school, I always understood the material and usually at a good level. But I learned it way slower then everyone else. I mean waaaaay slower. As whenever I had new classmates, they would think I was the dead weight in the class till around the 2nd to last test when I finally start to catch up. So right there that is something I always knew was true about me in that I'm not that smart. I'm intelligent on figuring things out, but my uptake of new information is painfully slow. For example, if I had to just copy down an equation from a book onto a white board, I'd have to look at the book again like every other character because I already forgot it. So really slow.
So even that, i did eventually learn it, even if slower then men do. And that right there may account for what I said earlier, except for the fact that I like math and by extention science. In fact, its one of the things/hobbies I like to do with my free time and one of the few things I don't desire to change about myself even though I'm very open to becoming the mindless/simple minded type of girl. And this is where I start touching on it. I really suck at making decisions. I do not trust my opinion on almost anything. Even when I know i'm right, if i'm debating someone, i'm almost convinced at any moment they will say something that proves me wrong. If i'm trying to judge something, I probably cant figur eit out. For example, if I wasn't recording data on my feminization process as much as I was, I wouldn't think anything is happening because I'm such a bad judge of things.
You might see where I'm going with this. When I'm driving, if not for the speedometer, i'd have no idea how fast I was going. If someone asks me h ow something tastes, I suddenly have a hard time figuring it out. So hear I am, someone who likes math/science and learning stuff, but I seem to know nothing about even things that happen around me, even though most people who know me will think I'm incredibly aware. There is one reason for all of that. I look at math/science to tell me the answer. When i take my measurements every week, and see the numbers getting smaller, i know i'm reaching my feminization goals even though I didn't think I was. Its the same with everything. The reason I always so quickly go to maths and numbers is because I have zero faith in my own ability to figure something out. Since I really have no one in my life, or I guess in this case no man in my life, it kind of makes sense that I resorted to math to tell me when I'm right or wrong.
So I like knowledge and stuff like that, but I even have a hard time figuring out if what I'm being told is correct or not. Math/science and stuff like that has given me methods to check validity of things. Right now I'm having reasonably okay success on a pet project of mine. Every single day I feel like i'm failing at it, I see examples of it failing, but when I look at the numbers I've collected with it, it always shows success.
So this is how I finally have a good idea of why I like math/science even though those are not typically feminine traits which I think I naturally go towards. It ended up being a clutch that at some point I started using in my past to tell me what to think. And being told what to think is a more female trait.
So this posting was actually kind of a recent discovery and very well not thought out before typing it. I'll probably write a much more refined version many months from now after this particular "theory" hammers itself out more!
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