Emotional changes starting? I think?
So one thing I've been wondering about ever since I started hormones was what the emotional effects would be. Most people who are at least a little aware of HRT knows a little about the emotional changes. Kind of like going through puberty again is one description I've heard. And for better or for worst, women are a little most attached or controlled by their emotions then men. Also its usually hard to tell changes in yourself, and I have that doubly so, so I was curious on how much I would realize the change.
Furthermore, I've always had incredible control over my emotions. When I say I have strong control over them, I dont think I've ever met someone who has better control over their emotions then I do. Now, don't get me wrong, I have the emotions and one of the reasons I have such strong control over them now is because I have them to such a huge degree I learned from a young age that when I go with what those urges are, it usually doesn't end up well for me. Furthermore, I had a pretty emotionally rocking childhood (not bad compared to a lot, but isolating), so I've learned to compartmentalize a lot of things. So with those extra buffers I was curious on how much i'd be able to maintain that control with my whole personal life being changed with the huge hormonal change in my body.
I realized last night as I was dozing to bed that there are three things I'm pretty sure I started having the past month of how my emotional state is starting to be impacted. Now I still am not sure about it, and they are small things that if I wasn't taking hormones, I might account to my normal high emotional but controlled state. But since three things happened in the last month on this front, and I knwo there are physical things impacting, I feel there is a strong chance my emotions are finally starting to get impacted. That said, medically speaking, I'm still about 1 month away (i think 5 weeks actually) till the beginning of the window of a lot of changes should start being obvious.
The first is that I THINK i had my first panic attack last weekend. To put this into context, whenever I've had issues in the past that is emotionally trying, I usually compartmentalize it without thinking and then kind of look at it from a third person perspective. That didn't happen this time. So I think it was around the time the stay at home order was happening with the coronovirus starting to impact my home state more. Now I am incredibly healthy, have almost never gotten sick so the chances of this thing hurting me is incredibly low. I know that. And yet, I got worried overly much over it and kind of did stuff on what my emotions dictacted more then what I know I should of done. I caught myself within an hour of it and decided to just go to bed early so sleep it off. Which worked. But took me multiple hours to get to sleep that night. Luckily (I think) I haven't had something that bad happen yet.
My will power has gone down. The doctor kind of warned me about this, but it didn't hit me the way I was expecting. I still am usually good at getting stuff done, but small things knock me off my rythm way more then they used too. To put this into context, if I was having multiple things work against me in a day, I would still be able to get stuff done. Now, it seems when two things, sometimes one thing, hits me outside of a routine, it has a 50/50 chance of disrupting things I wanted to get done that day. Kind of a lost of motivation. To put this into context. Before hormones, if I had like three things work against me on working out that day. Didn't sleep enough, knee hurts a little bit, had to work an extra hour, I would still go to the gym and do upper body weights instead of lower body that day. I didn't make as much progress as I wanted to, but I still made progress.
Now if one or two things hit me, like maybe only got 3 hours of sleep the previous night. That will be enough for me to do the minimum that day to not lose progress. Like cardio for 30 minutes or something. So i went from a big road bump to slowing down progress to a small road bump maintiaining my progress for the day. It has hit me on other aspects of my life too, and I didn't really connect it with possibly being the hormones till recently. Here is another example I just thought of. About 2-3 weeks ago, I was craving a food that is 45 min drive away. For the first time in my life, I took that drive without a second thought.... lol
So the last thing was the most recent thing that occured to me with the small road bumps disrupting me more easily. This is probably the most obvious thing even over the panic attack and that is an extreme shy, aware feeling hitting me every 1-3 days. Perhaps a better way to describe it is butterflies in my stomach for like 10 seconds and then gone. Maybe an extreme shynyess and then gone. Or greater self awareness of my current emotional state.
I'll give a small example. When I play Overwatch, I voice chat often in ranked. Besides this helping the team win, it also gives me a chance to practice feminizing my voice to see how 'passable' it is. Speaking of which, i need to post a new voice feedback soon. Anyways sometimes when the team things I'm a female player and I messed up, I'll get a sexist remark. Like go back to the kitchen or something. When that happens, my stomach gets a sinking feeling or the butterflies feeling or something like that for about 10 seconds and then its gone and I keep going with how I normally would of reacted. There are other examples as well, but I think i have a better understanding of how those kind of emotions can paralyze action or something. Hehe, as you can see, i'm still trying to figure out how to describe it.
Anyways, those are three small things I've noticed about my emotional make up the past few weeks. They could just be my imagination, or my normal emotions acting up a littl ebit more then normal, but I'm starting to lean towards hormones starting to hit me emotionally now.
Furthermore, I've always had incredible control over my emotions. When I say I have strong control over them, I dont think I've ever met someone who has better control over their emotions then I do. Now, don't get me wrong, I have the emotions and one of the reasons I have such strong control over them now is because I have them to such a huge degree I learned from a young age that when I go with what those urges are, it usually doesn't end up well for me. Furthermore, I had a pretty emotionally rocking childhood (not bad compared to a lot, but isolating), so I've learned to compartmentalize a lot of things. So with those extra buffers I was curious on how much i'd be able to maintain that control with my whole personal life being changed with the huge hormonal change in my body.
I realized last night as I was dozing to bed that there are three things I'm pretty sure I started having the past month of how my emotional state is starting to be impacted. Now I still am not sure about it, and they are small things that if I wasn't taking hormones, I might account to my normal high emotional but controlled state. But since three things happened in the last month on this front, and I knwo there are physical things impacting, I feel there is a strong chance my emotions are finally starting to get impacted. That said, medically speaking, I'm still about 1 month away (i think 5 weeks actually) till the beginning of the window of a lot of changes should start being obvious.
The first is that I THINK i had my first panic attack last weekend. To put this into context, whenever I've had issues in the past that is emotionally trying, I usually compartmentalize it without thinking and then kind of look at it from a third person perspective. That didn't happen this time. So I think it was around the time the stay at home order was happening with the coronovirus starting to impact my home state more. Now I am incredibly healthy, have almost never gotten sick so the chances of this thing hurting me is incredibly low. I know that. And yet, I got worried overly much over it and kind of did stuff on what my emotions dictacted more then what I know I should of done. I caught myself within an hour of it and decided to just go to bed early so sleep it off. Which worked. But took me multiple hours to get to sleep that night. Luckily (I think) I haven't had something that bad happen yet.
My will power has gone down. The doctor kind of warned me about this, but it didn't hit me the way I was expecting. I still am usually good at getting stuff done, but small things knock me off my rythm way more then they used too. To put this into context, if I was having multiple things work against me in a day, I would still be able to get stuff done. Now, it seems when two things, sometimes one thing, hits me outside of a routine, it has a 50/50 chance of disrupting things I wanted to get done that day. Kind of a lost of motivation. To put this into context. Before hormones, if I had like three things work against me on working out that day. Didn't sleep enough, knee hurts a little bit, had to work an extra hour, I would still go to the gym and do upper body weights instead of lower body that day. I didn't make as much progress as I wanted to, but I still made progress.
Now if one or two things hit me, like maybe only got 3 hours of sleep the previous night. That will be enough for me to do the minimum that day to not lose progress. Like cardio for 30 minutes or something. So i went from a big road bump to slowing down progress to a small road bump maintiaining my progress for the day. It has hit me on other aspects of my life too, and I didn't really connect it with possibly being the hormones till recently. Here is another example I just thought of. About 2-3 weeks ago, I was craving a food that is 45 min drive away. For the first time in my life, I took that drive without a second thought.... lol
So the last thing was the most recent thing that occured to me with the small road bumps disrupting me more easily. This is probably the most obvious thing even over the panic attack and that is an extreme shy, aware feeling hitting me every 1-3 days. Perhaps a better way to describe it is butterflies in my stomach for like 10 seconds and then gone. Maybe an extreme shynyess and then gone. Or greater self awareness of my current emotional state.
I'll give a small example. When I play Overwatch, I voice chat often in ranked. Besides this helping the team win, it also gives me a chance to practice feminizing my voice to see how 'passable' it is. Speaking of which, i need to post a new voice feedback soon. Anyways sometimes when the team things I'm a female player and I messed up, I'll get a sexist remark. Like go back to the kitchen or something. When that happens, my stomach gets a sinking feeling or the butterflies feeling or something like that for about 10 seconds and then its gone and I keep going with how I normally would of reacted. There are other examples as well, but I think i have a better understanding of how those kind of emotions can paralyze action or something. Hehe, as you can see, i'm still trying to figure out how to describe it.
Anyways, those are three small things I've noticed about my emotional make up the past few weeks. They could just be my imagination, or my normal emotions acting up a littl ebit more then normal, but I'm starting to lean towards hormones starting to hit me emotionally now.
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