Emotions!
So going into HRT I knew there would be things happening to my emotional state. For one, I would probably become more emotional. I could also anticipate a kind of "second puberty." I knew that some emotions would be easier to tip off doing so as well. What has surprised me is that even knowing all of this, many emotional things have caught me off guard.
Before going into this, I want to disclaim that this is my own personal experience. Furthermore, I have a more unique past which gave me way better control over my emotions then others. Though I'm sure I'm emotionally healthy and have been for a long time, I should note that this does make me go into the male to female transition differently then others in my position would. This could mean previously suprrseed emotions being released (I doubt that) or just lessening of control. A very obvious one is that I used to be able to hide my emotional state incredibly well. I used to be almost impossible to read. I don't believe that is the case any more.
Another more anticipated example is being in a kind of "mood" state. What I mean by that is easily tipped into any direction. When I feel in that way, anything can really tip me into the full gambit of emotions from super positive to super negative. This may be just going through the "puberty" aspect but this is a new emotion for me. I've had emotions in one state before, but they were clearly in that state and not easily disturbed. To be in a nuetral emotional state that can tip in any direction is very new to me.
More predictibale emotions that I've been hitting are things like I'm now waaaaay more emphatic then I used to be. For example, the other day there was a news story of someone who was adopting cats and dogs from families in order to torch er them. Clearly this is a horribly thing. I've always known that. But now I really feel it. Whenever I even start to hear stories like that, I turn off the news now. That story has still been making me feel sad for over 24 hours now whereas before I could relegate it to my past. This obviously translates to things like being more easily scared. I never liked horror movies or the like, but could still sit through them watching the entire thing. I close my eyes and think of other things now whenever I know a scene particularly scary is about to come.
So what brings me to actually write this blog post. Well something interesting happened to me a few days ago that I did not forsee happening. So I had to go in to a medical appointment last week over a previous accident I was in. This is nothing super bad and I'm still very healthy and will be for a long time, but there were things that were starting to act up again. Anyways, the practitioner was giving me worst information then I expected (once again I'm fine). While they were doing this, they had me doing different things to see range and motions and stuff. I suddenly got light headed and had to sit down. A minute later I almost passed out. Took a minute or two to recover. Turns out that one of the head movements might of pinched a nerve. Anyways, I went back in for the follow up appointment a few days ago. We were going over the results and I realized I was getting light headed again. I do not get light headed, so I was asked if there was anything different about the ventilation. The medical guy said it was all normal but its normal for some people to feint hearing some negative news.
And there it is, it wasn't passing out, but it was me feinting at being overly scared of something that I would of taken in stride for me entire life. I didn't even think that I would become susceptible to feinting since I've usually been level headed. Though that isn't a new emotion, it is a new 'weakness' I need to be a little more aware of since I now know that can actually happen to me.
Something else that is a new emotion to me is still one I've been working on describing. Anyone who's had this emotion probably thinks its pretty normal or wouldn't think twice of it, but I've never had this before. So usually if I had to put a location to my emotions, I'd put it in my head. Like thats where it emanates from. Kind of like men sexually get their pleasure from their penis. I know huge jump there, but is the only localized feeling I could think of at the moment. Anyways, this feeling comes from the chest. I want to say its kind of like butterflies int eh stomach, but not quite that. Its also kind of slows down my thinking when it happens for a few seconds. I want to say its some kind of mixture of nervous/shy/humiliation/attraction combined. So far, the only time I get this emotion is in some regard where myself being in or will be in the future in a "woman's role" comes up from another person. Anything from a moderate or higher talking of gender roles to the more sexual aspects of dom/sub or the more taboo things like patriarchy and such.
Right now, my working theory on that emotion is that this is the emotional aspect that women experience sexually. I think that when that is combined with actual physical pleasure, thats how a woman gets the more full body orgasm thing. This is just a working theory right now from limited data points. I can't even describe the feeling to my satisfactory yet. But thats what I currently think.
There are other aspects I can touch on as well such and caring ALOT more about potential relationships working out. Like without even thinking about it, I care more, define myself more by it, and more obsessed with relationship aspect things more then I ever have. I feel that is a natural aspect of males latching onto men and such, but thats just an example of other more predictable emotions that I'm not going to cover. The main point of this blog was to touch on several unexpected aspects.
Before going into this, I want to disclaim that this is my own personal experience. Furthermore, I have a more unique past which gave me way better control over my emotions then others. Though I'm sure I'm emotionally healthy and have been for a long time, I should note that this does make me go into the male to female transition differently then others in my position would. This could mean previously suprrseed emotions being released (I doubt that) or just lessening of control. A very obvious one is that I used to be able to hide my emotional state incredibly well. I used to be almost impossible to read. I don't believe that is the case any more.
Another more anticipated example is being in a kind of "mood" state. What I mean by that is easily tipped into any direction. When I feel in that way, anything can really tip me into the full gambit of emotions from super positive to super negative. This may be just going through the "puberty" aspect but this is a new emotion for me. I've had emotions in one state before, but they were clearly in that state and not easily disturbed. To be in a nuetral emotional state that can tip in any direction is very new to me.
More predictibale emotions that I've been hitting are things like I'm now waaaaay more emphatic then I used to be. For example, the other day there was a news story of someone who was adopting cats and dogs from families in order to torch er them. Clearly this is a horribly thing. I've always known that. But now I really feel it. Whenever I even start to hear stories like that, I turn off the news now. That story has still been making me feel sad for over 24 hours now whereas before I could relegate it to my past. This obviously translates to things like being more easily scared. I never liked horror movies or the like, but could still sit through them watching the entire thing. I close my eyes and think of other things now whenever I know a scene particularly scary is about to come.
So what brings me to actually write this blog post. Well something interesting happened to me a few days ago that I did not forsee happening. So I had to go in to a medical appointment last week over a previous accident I was in. This is nothing super bad and I'm still very healthy and will be for a long time, but there were things that were starting to act up again. Anyways, the practitioner was giving me worst information then I expected (once again I'm fine). While they were doing this, they had me doing different things to see range and motions and stuff. I suddenly got light headed and had to sit down. A minute later I almost passed out. Took a minute or two to recover. Turns out that one of the head movements might of pinched a nerve. Anyways, I went back in for the follow up appointment a few days ago. We were going over the results and I realized I was getting light headed again. I do not get light headed, so I was asked if there was anything different about the ventilation. The medical guy said it was all normal but its normal for some people to feint hearing some negative news.
And there it is, it wasn't passing out, but it was me feinting at being overly scared of something that I would of taken in stride for me entire life. I didn't even think that I would become susceptible to feinting since I've usually been level headed. Though that isn't a new emotion, it is a new 'weakness' I need to be a little more aware of since I now know that can actually happen to me.
Something else that is a new emotion to me is still one I've been working on describing. Anyone who's had this emotion probably thinks its pretty normal or wouldn't think twice of it, but I've never had this before. So usually if I had to put a location to my emotions, I'd put it in my head. Like thats where it emanates from. Kind of like men sexually get their pleasure from their penis. I know huge jump there, but is the only localized feeling I could think of at the moment. Anyways, this feeling comes from the chest. I want to say its kind of like butterflies int eh stomach, but not quite that. Its also kind of slows down my thinking when it happens for a few seconds. I want to say its some kind of mixture of nervous/shy/humiliation/attraction combined. So far, the only time I get this emotion is in some regard where myself being in or will be in the future in a "woman's role" comes up from another person. Anything from a moderate or higher talking of gender roles to the more sexual aspects of dom/sub or the more taboo things like patriarchy and such.
Right now, my working theory on that emotion is that this is the emotional aspect that women experience sexually. I think that when that is combined with actual physical pleasure, thats how a woman gets the more full body orgasm thing. This is just a working theory right now from limited data points. I can't even describe the feeling to my satisfactory yet. But thats what I currently think.
There are other aspects I can touch on as well such and caring ALOT more about potential relationships working out. Like without even thinking about it, I care more, define myself more by it, and more obsessed with relationship aspect things more then I ever have. I feel that is a natural aspect of males latching onto men and such, but thats just an example of other more predictable emotions that I'm not going to cover. The main point of this blog was to touch on several unexpected aspects.
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